Wednesday, April 14, 2010

2 Months & Heartbroken

I am sorry for all of you out there who have been following along that I have not posted in awhile (a month i guess already) but I have had a really hard month. Just 5 days after my baby Ryan turned 1 month my Dad died. I have been meaning to post this for awhile but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. If I did, then it would be real. I would have put it into words. I know that must sound silly because he has been gone now for just about a month and I went through the motions of everything (making the arrangements, the wake, the funeral) but I just wasn't ready to write it out there for the world to have it be definite. I miss him so much. I can't even describe how close we were. My Mom has lost her best friend and soul mate (they were married for 36 years) and can't bring herself to live in her home. She has been staying at my house and has decided to make it permanent. This is not the first death I have had to deal with. I have had the expected Grandparents times 3 and I lost my brother two years ago, but this is soooo different. This just feels so final. My parents were staying with us when it happened (they had no power and we did) I talked to him literally an hour before it happened. I still can't believe it. He had been sick but we all thought he was on the right track. He went to sleep and that was it. They believe he had a pulmonary embolism. I am just so THANKFUL that Ryan came early and he got to meet him. Obviously that is why he came early...someone upstairs had that planned out. I have a voicemail saved on my cell phone from my Dad where he is telling me that he Loves Me. I can't tell you how many times I have listened to it. Okay, I can't write anymore right now.