The Day After Christmas!

Hello to all of my friends! I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday. I still can't believe that it is over already. Now, granted we still have to get through a few more social gatherings and of course New Years..but Christmas is gone. Another year done. This year was especially one that I felt very grateful for all of my family and friends. I was very emotional, as I am sure all of you can relate. However, now that we have made it through Christmas, I can really look forward to the New Year. I am very positive that this year will be a great year. And, I wish not only for myself, but for all who have been so kind and supportive of me on here that this New Year brings all of our wishes to life...whatever those roads might be!!! So, Happy New Year Everyone....start making those wishes!!!!!! You will all be in my prayers!!!!

Wintery Day

So today weather wise is awful! It was snowing and now its icy rain and snow on and off. I am at work just wishing to be home under the covers, cozy with my doggie, reading more of "Eclipse" Book 3 in the Twilight series. I also have 5 dozen cookies to make for our work cookie swap on Monday; not to mention the cookies for the family for Christmas. Way too much to do..really don't want to be at work. My lack of concentration is outrageous. I can't get anything done.

So, today my biggest issue is with my so-called BFF ...let's call her J. A little background info. She will be turning 30 in '09 and is the only one in our group to not be married, engaged, thinking of babies, anything. She just bought a house about 2 minutes from me and DH which is great. However, she made this decision after breaking up with her boyfriend of 5 years after living together for the 2nd time. He told her that he has no plans on marrying her and that he had cheated on her. All she wants to do is get married. She wants to be where we all are and thinks that her life is going to be over at 3o if she is not. Amazingly, they are back together after a 2 month period off and seem happier than ever. She is holding on to the dream that he will one day propose. I hope so for her sake...but who knows.

Anyway, back to the reason she is my main focus today, she does not seem to care at all about the azoo and what we are going through. I know that she is just jealous about everything, but my thought is that no matter how you feel, if you are a BF you would try and be there for the other person. I get nothing. As a matter of fact, before we found out about the azoo I had stopped smoking ( unfortunately after 6 weeks free I went back due to stress..not an excuse, I know but at least something I feel in control of at the moment) because we were going to actively start trying. She got pissed with me. Told me that we couldn't be friends if I got pregnant. It would kill her. Then when we got the diagnosis, I can't help but think that a small part of her was happy. I know that that is an awful thought, but lets look at the track record. Anyway, we also work together so I see her just about everyday and I am starting to feel that we are growing apart. I hate that because I do love her and I will need her support, but I can't deal with this. She never asks what is going on or how I feel..nothing. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to lose her and no matter where I was in life (getting married) and she wasn't we were able to get through it. This time its different. I want her to be apart of our babies lives (finger crossed) and I can't help but think that she won't. Should I talk to her about it? Or just let her deal with her own feelings and maybe she will come around.

OBGYN....Are you kidding me???

So yesterday I had my annual with my OB. I was not exactly happy about it, but really who ever is? However, I was especially not happy with having to see him as he is the man that about a month ago told me the wonderful news of my reproducing future. I managed to calm myself, its routine, no biggie. I bring my book (Eclipse) I am totally addicted to the Twilight series by the way. And, I manage to make it through the almost 45 minute wait. It was also very comforting to be sitting in the room, waiting for him, while staring at the wall of the chart of how the baby grows after certain number of weeks...who cares????? (How was that sarcasm?) Anyway, he finally comes in and starts asking me the generic questions (How is work? How am I?) And, then says, so it says here in your chart that you are off BC..do you want to talk about that? What??? Of course I want to talk about it..I am angry and hurt and are you kidding me??? I then proceed to tell him that yeah, me and the DH had been to the RE last week and as soon as I say DH's name it hits him. Oh my how could he have forgotten?? I mean seriously what does it take 5 seconds to check my chart and see that I was here less than a month ago???? He feels awful at this point because for some unknown reason I break into hysterics. Really it was like I was 5 years old and just fell off my bike. I can't stop. He takes my hand and tells me everything will be okay. Then he proceeds to tell me that DH and I should really consider donor sperm. It is the most cost effective and will reek less havoc on both of us. And, from what he sees he thinks this or adoption are our only options. WTF!!!!!! That's what I say. You didn't even remember who I was do you honestly think that I am going to listen to anything that you say? You sir are no expert!! You couldn't even look at my chart before talking to me. In his defense I know that he sees a lot of patients and he just thought this was routine, but I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I left there soooo upset. He apologized like crazy...but I still couldn't realx. I got in the car, called DH, and had another what I can only describe as an anxiety attack. I couldn't breathe, I was hysterical crying and screaming. Did I over re-act? I have a tendency to do that.

Waiting....

Both DH & I went for our second round of bloodwork and are awaiting the results. Mine should back today or tomorrow and DH just shortly after. I am pretty sure that these labs are to check for CF and others to try and figure out "why" with my DH. I can't wait to find out results. Even a small amount of new info would be better than none.

In other related news, I am finding this holiday season to be a lot harder than I originally anticipated. As I spend time shopping with the masses I can't help but be more focused on every child that I see. I look at them and feel such sadness. I know that it is silly to feel that way because I don't know what my future holds, but I think that is the main cause of my sadness. My DH and I were in a Christmas store in the mall over the weekend and as is our yearly tradition we were looking for something new to add to our holiday collection (i.e. an ornament, a figurine, or fiber optic something or other) and as we are Irish (my DH was born in Ireland and moved here in the late 80's) I found myself in the Irish section. I was doing fine until I saw baby booties with shamrocks that said "Baby's First Christmas". My heart sank. My husband was close by and quickly caught my face and jumped on buying an Irish Angel. He said that this one would be much better this year. I love him so much. I can't wait to start a family with him, as I know he will be a fantastic father. As much as I wanted to drown myself in wine when we came home, I figured it was better to just get a good night's sleep..the way I see it as each day closes its one day closer to becoming parents....one day....as we wait.

First Appointment with RE

So, my DH and I went to meet with our RE yesterday. What an emotional roller coaster that was. He was awesome. I really do like the doctor and have high hopes that he will be our savior. However, he killed me yesterday. After sitting and talking and "getting to know us" he decided that he wanted DH to give a specimen and he wanted to examine me. No problem, although DH really hates doing it into a cup...but I say deal with it! He tells us that if they find sperm after looking a certain way they will freeze it right away that day. I couldn't believe it..that day. He then continues to tell us of a couple who had just been in last week and the DH was diagnosed with azoospermia also and he found sperm that same day and all is well. Well, boy did that bring me way up in hopes that we could be just as lucky. He told us that he would call us later that night to tell us the verdict and sent us off with scripts for more bloodwork.

After attempting some Christmas shopping, which I don't even care about, we were home waiting and waiting and waiting for the phone to ring. Finally around 6:30 pm he called...no sperm. Well, hello!!!??? Didn't we tell you that???!!!! I was sooooo upset. And there I was falling down the roller coaster. I guess I was praying that he was going to solve everything in the 1 1/2 hr session we were there...NOT! My mom keeps telling me that everything is going to be okay and I just don't know. Of course she is just as heartbroken but she keeps telling me that God is trying to teach me patience. Please! I can't stand this. I feel miserable almost all the time. I am isolating myself from people and I fell so self-involved that I don't care about Christmas..my favorite holiday of the year. Will this go away? How do I calm myself down? I also think that I am starting to have panic attacks. Oh man, I must sound crazy. I am done babbling for now. Will post soon!