Day 7 of No Smoking...YEAH!

I wanted just to post an update on my life. Today is Day 7 of the no smoking (quit cold turkey) process. I am doing quite well with it. I had a bad time over this past weekend, but successfully made it through. It is so ridiculous how they take over your life. I swear if I could go back in time and never start I would. Now, granted I haven't had any alcohol, but I decided that I would have to give up both anyway to have a baby so better to start now rather than later. I have no news with IF stuff except that my surgery is still on track for March 20. I am super excited. I just want to get it going.

I have been very hormonal lately too. I don't know if its the stress of over-thinking everything, but I find myself getting very angry at DH way too often. I do apologize after the fact but I feel like I am almost a ticking time bomb...one false move or sentence and I may explode! He came home late the other night from work and I told him that if he didn't start coming home sooner I wouldn't have his children. I know, I don't know where it came from. I just had all these visions of me by myself until 8pm or later with the baby/babies with him off at work. Then I was yelling at him that although we are even now with surgeries (or will be soon) that I still had the raw end of the deal with having to do the shots and ER and ET and then the actually pregnancy. And, trust me I am not complaining because I want NOTHING more than to become a mom, but it just feels like sometimes I am going at this alone. I feel like such a horrible person to even feel this way, but I am scared and anxious and still feeling the grief I suppose of our IF. Will it ever go away? I guess I just needed to vent. I am going to my therapist tonight, maybe he can help me relax. Although, I feel like I keep telling him this all the time and he gives me suggestions and I still fall off the emotional band wagon.

I AM COMING OUT OF HIDING! :0)

Hello All! I am sorry that I have stayed away so long, I was sulking for way too long. But, I have come to the conclusion that as much as this stinks (my blocked tube) it is a good thing that we found it now and have it taken care of so that we didn't waste our $$ on IVF only to have it fail. I am feeling much better about it; now I just want it to be here so we can keep moving forward. The surgery is scheduled for March 20, 2009 (exactly one month).

In answer to most of your question, the doctor has to remove the tube because it is full with infectious fluid and if we keep it in and do IVF anyway the fluids would seep down into the uterus causing the chance of success to decrease by half. It makes the most sense to get me healthy first and not take chances. It's not like we can have children naturally anyway (due to DH azoo).

Speaking of the IF stuff, my DH had a check up with the urologist yesterday to see how he is healing and Thank God he is perfect and allowed to resume to normal activities. He is awesome. It's like he can handle anything. This barely phased him. We both then had an appt with the RE in the afternoon to discuss IVF and for me to get a culture and u/s. I am not going to lie, the protocol for IVF scared the sh*t out of me!!! I am petrified. I am sure that it is not as bad as it seems, but holy cow. I just kept shaking my head saying, "um hum..okay...yeah...okay" while all the while thinking, "Seriously?" I just have to keep my eyes on the prize. :0) The u/s was soo cool. My DH was in the room with me holding my hand while the doctor did it. It was too funny because its the first time ever DH has seen the stirrups in action. His eyes were wide and he just kept watching everything the doctor did. He cracked me up! He was just amazed...and even commented to me after how shocked he was that the doctor put a condom on it. The u/s really amazed me because all I kept thinking was this is what we will be looking at when we see our baby(ies). It really hit me. I can't wait for that day. It really gave me some hope again. This is not even close to being over...time to suck it up and get stronger. We have a baby/babies to make.

I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but I am a smoker. I am not proud of it as I only started when I turned 21. I hit the bar scene and the cigarettes hit me. I always had it in my head that once I found out I was pregnant I would just stop, then and there. Obviously at that point my priorities change. It has been really hard for me to accept that I will never have that unexpected double line after peeing on a stick and hence have been using that as a reason to keep smoking. Well, I am proud to say that as of 11:38am EST I have been smoke free for 36 hours...COLD TURKEY. I have bought the nicorette gum, just in case, but so far have made it through. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get through cravings I would love to hear. BTW, THANK YOU to everyone that has been so sweet and understanding. I really am so happy to have all of you and this wonderful blog.

Another notch DOWN the rollercoaster of IF....

Hello Everyone! I apologize for my absence the last few days but alot has transpired. My DH is doing very well from the MESA procedure. He went back to work yesterday and is having very limited discomfort. Thank God. However on Friday we got a call from his Dad that his Uncle passed away. His Uncle lived in Ireland, where almost all of his family is currently except for immediate members. It was a big shock as it occurred suddenly and its very sad because he was like a second Dad to my DH. We haven't been to Ireland to visit the family in over 5 years and this killed my DH. We are all still very upset. My DH seems to be doing okay with it, but he is the type to keep emotions inside, so its hard for me to tell.

As for the IF stuff, I went for my HSG yesterday. As noted in my previous post I hadn't had it done sooner because we focused on DH's Azoo diagnosis, and low and behold...I have a blockage in my left tube!!!! GIVE US A DAMN BREAK ALREADY!!!! So, now I have to schedule my operation for removal of the tube and according to the surgery coordinator the earliest I could go will be March 20. I still can't believe this. I knew something was wrong because the HSG was extremely painful. I called out of work today...a personal day if you will. I just can't believe that its one thing after another. WTF??? The RE says to me, "Well this should make DH feel a little bit better because its not all on him!" LOL I knew that he was trying to make light of the situation but, I lost it completely. I am so upset. I just feel like nothing can go right. And, of course I know that this in not the end. We still will be able to do IVF eventually, but it certainly felt like another blow. Has anyone had their tubes removed? I am wondering what to expect. I am waiting for the RE to call me today to go over some questions that of course I was only able to think of after my meltdown yesterday. I hope everyone else is doing well and I will be back after I sulk in self-pity for a bit.

WE'VE GOT SWIMMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything went great yesterday. They got 700,000 with 50% motility. Although the doc says it kind of a low number it is exactly what we needed!! YEAH! As I said in my previous post my Mom came with us yesterday. Well, after we got the result my Mom and I were crying (happy tears of course) for at least 3 hrs on and off. I still can't believe it. I feel like this is a dream and I am going to wake up soon. It is soooo unbelievable. I am elated. Yesterday was such a roller coaster ride but it was well worth it. I cried saying goodbye to DH when he had to go to the holding room. I kept somewhat calm while waiting..Thanks Mom...and then once we found out I couldn't wait to see him. I couldn't wait to tell him that he is going to be a DAD!!! Hehehehe...its an awesome feeling.

He is actually feeling really good today. He hasn't taken any pain medication since we left the hospital. He is such a trooper. I don't know if I could go without it, but he keeps telling me that it really isn't that bad. He has a scrotal support on so I think that is helping too and we have been using ice packs on and off. As for the next steps in our journey, I have my HSG on monday (can you believe it? The timing of my cycle couldn't be any better) and then on the 19th we have our IVF consult and the RE will do my u/s then. We hadn't done any of that up until now because we wanted to see what happened with DH. It's so incredible. I feel like everything is one big whirl wind now. I 100% believe in the power of positivity now. Nothing will stop me from staying positvie. Somebody up there was listening and all I can say is THANK YOU!!!!! How does it work with starting IVF? Someone told me they might make me wait 1 full cycle before starting-does that sound right?

OMG...2 DAYS TO GO!!!!!!!

Okay, so we are only 2 days away from the day that will decide our fate for the next few months (or year if we are lucky). I would like to say that I have been handling the anxiousness and stress with grace, but I am definitely losing my mind. UGH! I am scared and excited and scared. What if there is nothing and we have to wait again and do TESE in 3 months? What if they find only 2 sperm? What if they find a lot and here we go into the world of IVF? I am soooo all over the board. I am afraid of how I will react if it is not good. I think DH has that same fear. I am trying to stay as positive as possible. And of course, DH like most men is trying to be the realist and that is killing me. Just think positive damn you!! Imagine what you want and it will be..isn't that the theme of the book "The Secret"? I mean c'mon its not weird that I look in one of our spare rooms that we have decided will be the nursery one day and imagine where the crib will be and the rocking chair, right? LOL I just want this to be it. I don't want to continue wondering about all of the what ifs. I just want there to be viable sperm so we can get going and be parents by next year. I want to be able to say, "Shew..that was one hell of a roller coaster for the last few months and now we can move forward...Thank You GOD!"

My Mom will be coming with us to the hospital on Wednesday which I am very Thankful for. She is just as nervous as I am I think, and she really wanted to be there. I am glad to have someone sit with me while I wait. Even though we will both be feeling the stress at least we will have each other. :0) I am very lucky to have my Mom. She is truly my best friend. Yes, there are times that we don't get along but overall I would be LOST without her. I don't think that I really have ever told her that, I should; I WILL. Trust me, I feel the same about my Daddy too. But, its just different. My Mom and I have a special bond. I talk to her every single day at least once a day. I look forward to having that same relationship one day with my little girl/boy. With some continued positiveness we might have the good news in just 2 days. Oh god, I don't know if I am going to make it. I keep trying to tell myself that the result has already been written in the stars. I have no control over it. I think that is what is driving both DH and I nuts. It will be what it will be and we will have to deal with whatever comes. That sucks!! That is probably the worst part of this...the lack of control. I promise to post as things occur and I Thank all of you for your warm wishes and prayers.